Super Sped Bros
by Metal Sonic EX
Summary: Join the cast of Super Smash Bros. on their zany adventures while living together. [Complete]
1. Welcome To Your Final Destination

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

Okay, here's how it's gonna go. This time, I broadening my target area of randomness. Instead of just one game, I'll parody twelve at the same time. This was inspired by several fan art pics from deviantART. Anyways, this is about the random and, dare I say, zany adventures of the Super Smash Bros. cast. So, here goes. Brace yourself for the randomness of Super Sped Brothers!!

* * *

Chapter One

Welcome To Your Final Destination

* * *

Master Hand - People say that knowing your enemy is a great advantage in battle. I say, like hell it is! How do you know your enemy if you can't predict if the next thing to exit their mouth is intelligent or not?! Here's your cast of specially-selected retards. We have Mario…

(Mario flexes his nonexistent muscles.)

Master Hand - …Luigi…

(Luigi flexes his nonexistent muscles.)

Master Hand - …Donkey Kong…

(Donkey Kong walks past the screen, but slips on a banana peel.)

Master Hand - …Ness…

(Ness hits a baseball and it flies into space. Moments later, a spaceship crashes in the field.)

Master Hand - …Samus Aran…

(Samus poses, then points her buster to the left without looking in that direction and shoots. A dead space pirate falls into the screen.)

Master Hand - …Pikachu…

(Pikachu scratches his ear.)

Master Hand - …Jigglypuff…

(Jigglypuff scratches her crotch.)

Master Hand - …Captain Falcon…

(Captain Falcon drives alongside the camera, waves at it, and drives into a wall.)

Master Hand - …Fox…

(Fox shoots the camera and it falls onto its' side.)

Master Hand - …Yoshi…

(Yoshi eats and pepper and a flame comes out of his butt.)

Master Hand - …Kirby…

(Kirby sucks in Donald Trump and a combed-over toupee appears on his head.)

Master Hand - …and Link!

(Link pulls out the Master Sword and throws it into a pile of Master Swords.)

Master Hand - Now, I shall take these morons and stuff them into one house. Why? 'Cause I'm bored and I need entertainment. Let us watch.

(All twelve characters suddenly appear in the living room of a random house. Everyone looks at each other and Mario is the first to speak.)

Mario - Who the crap are you?

Master Hand - After the introductions and crap like that are done, people begin adjusting. Sort of.

Captain Falcon - I think the DNA scanner in this newspaper is broken.

Samus - If you say so.

(Mario walks up to the bathroom and the door shuts.)

Mario - It's the green giant! Mamma mia! -plunging sounds-

Fox - Right… Well, if we're in a house together, we need someone to get the groceries.

(All eyes turn to Captain Falcon.)

Falcon - No one respects me anymore… -leaves-

Narrator - At the store…

Falcon - Stupid good-for-nothing… Huh? Four times the caffeine, huh? Hmmm…

Narrator - Later, at the house…

Luigi - Where's Falcon? He left an hour ago.

Samus - You can't count on men to do anything right.

(Falcon zips into the living room at supersonic speed with handfuls of groceries.)

Falcon - -with crazy look in eyes- Hiiiii…

Ness - Should I be worried?

(Falcon presents a box of Nutty Bars.)

Falcon - Ya want a Nutty Bar?

Luigi - We're go…

Falcon - They're homemade!

(A long silence follows.)

Samus - Um…

Falcon - Come on! Dig in!

Ness - I'll pass.

(Falcon dashed into the camera's view and begins rapidly doing squats while throwing his arms out to either side of him. He then zips out of the camera's view and the front door.)

Pikachu - Pika pikachu. (I feel special already.)

Ness - What'd he say?

Pikachu - Pika… (Lovely…)

(Jigglypuff rolls in.)

Jigglypuff - Jiggly… puff! (It's… me!)

Samus - What did _she_ say?

(Jigglypuff gets that angry puffy face.)

Samus - Cute…

(Jigglypuff then began rapidly slapping Samus.)

Samus - Ah! Get this thing off me! You crazy… My health! No! AGH!!

(Jigglypuff storms off as all eyes turn to Samus, who's visor is cracked and something in her helmet is beeping. Suddenly, the noise flatlines.)

Ness - Um…

Mario - -comes downstairs- Who didn't flush?!

(Donkey Kong slowly raised his hand.)

Mario - No wonder I smell like bananas!

Pikachu - Pika pika. Pika pikachu! (What are you talking about? You smell like crap.)

Mario - What'd he say?

Samus - -respawns- He said something about crap.

(Falcon dashes in and begins dancing.)

Falcon - Crappity crappity! Crapcrapcrap! -zips off-

Samus - Something tells me we're gonna have a few notable adventures in this place.

Master Hand - You don't know the half of it… -evil, maniacal laughter-


	2. Mr Nintendo's Conundrum

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Two

Mario's Story

Mr. Nintendo's Conundrum

* * *

Master Hand - This is the first of twelve adventures that will happen in this household. Shall we begin?

Mario - I'm off!

Link - Where to?

Mario - I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend! Er… Princess!

Link - I know how that feels.

(Ling-Ling from Drawn Together jumps in and speaks Asian gibberish.)

Ling-Ling - (You break copyright laws! Now, Ling-Ling here to destroy all!)

Pikachu - Pika pika. (Lay off, buddy.)

Ling-Ling (I am not your buddy! I am…)

(DK grabs Ling-Ling, puts him on his back, and begins walking out the front door.)

Ling-Ling - (You will pay for this insult! You all will pay! Pay, I say!)

Link - Bizarre.

Mario - Well, I'm off. -leaves-

Link - Yeah, I'm gonna kick back and…

(A cellphone rings. Everyone turns to Link where the Hyrule music begins playing.)

Link - What up? Mh-hm. You're in trouble you say? Well, can it wait? It can't… Heh… I see… Well, if Ganondorf says he can beat Majora's Mask faster than me, bring it on! -hangs up and picks up Master Sword- Not this time. -puts sword down and picks up game controller- Aha! -runs off-

Samus - Bizarre.

(Kirby walks in and goes to sneeze. The TV is sucked in and, as Kirby sneezes, the TV is blasted through the wall.)

Ness - Let's take cover next time.

Everyone Else - Agreed.

(Yoshi waddles in and opens the refrigerator in the next room. He sucks something in, swallows, and closes the fridge.)

Yoshi - ERG! -farts a fireball-

Falcon - My taco salads! NO!

Samus - Okay, just how much caffeine did you have?

Falcon - This much!

(Falcon begins running at high-speed as Samus sticks her buster out. Falcon's face smashes into it, but his body stretches and keeps running. When his body snaps back, he goes flying backwards, arms extended, with a bizarre smile on. He smashes into the fridge and lands on the ground. The fridge lands on top of him and only his eyeballs pop out from under it.)

Samus - Uh-huh… Yeah, way too much for you.

Master Hand - Meanwhile…

Mario - Odd.

(Mario is looking at the front door of the castle, but its' painted on.)

Mario - Aha! A vent!

(Mario takes a running jump at it, but smashes face-first into concrete.)

Mario - Oh… So, how do I do this?

(Mario climbs onto the roof.)

Mario - Everything's painted on! -picks up bumper- Hmmm…

(Seconds later, Mario is being smashed continuously into the side of the wall as the bumper bounces between a wall and Mario.)

Master Hand - Bizarre. Anyways, back at the house…

(Kirby walks in with Ness' hat on.)

Falcon - Kirby a cannibal! Kill the cannibal!

(Falcon runs over and continuously hits Kirby on the head with a stick, but it always bounces back into his own face.)

Falcon - This stick is evil! Burn it at the stake!

(Moments later, a stick is sticking (pardon the pun) out of a pile of sticks. It begins burning as smoke begins rising.)

Samus - What the…

Falcon - This smoke is evil! Burn it at the stake!

(A figure made of smoke is bawling its' eyes out as it is set on fire.)

Samus - Note to self: Keep Falcon away from caffeine.

Master Head - Meanwhile…

(A bloodied Mario is still being smashed up against the wall.)

Master Hand - Nothing new. Next!

(Link is smiling happily as Ganondorf continuously becomes more angry. Finally, Ganondorf grabs Link's entire head and squishes it in his grip.)

Ganondorf - You'd better pray that I'm not in the next game.

(Ganondorf releases his grip and walks off as Link begins gasping for air.)

Link - You… -deep inhale- …sore… -another deep inhale- …loser…

Master Hand - Bizarre. Next!

Fox - It's been a while since Mario left.

Falcon - Cheese! Burn it!

Samus - It has been.

Falcon - Grilled cheese! Burn it!

Pikachu - Pikachu? (How long do you think he'll keep this up for?)

Falcon - Asian gibberish!

(Ness walks out from behind the stick in the pile of sticks.)

Ness - I quit… Slave driver… I can't use PK Fire anymore!

Falcon - I'll do it then! Falcon… Punch!

(Falcon punches Pikachu into the cosmos.)

Samus - Well, we shouldn't see him for what? Half the fanfic?

Fox - More or less.

(A brief silence follows.)

Luigi - The Green Giant has returned!

Samus - That's our cue.

Fox - Let's find him.

Master Hand - Later…

Fox - Here it is.

Samus - There's a hole in the top of this place.

(Fox and Samus jump into the hole and find Mario's bloodied and battered corpse on the ground. Written next to him in blood is 'I did it! I got in!'.)

Fox - Poor guy.

Samus - Nothing we can do about it. Let's go.

Fox - Let's…

Master Hand - Thus concludes the first of many zany adventures. Actually, now that I think about it, I think that payback's in order here…


	3. The Tables Have Turned!

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Three

Donkey Kong's Story

The Tables Have Turned!

* * *

Master Hand - Donkey Kong was spawned from a mistranslation of 'Monkey Kong'. This game also spawned Mario. Through the majority of the game, Mario, at times, could use a hammer. So, why not let DK try it out?

(DK walks into the living room and finds a hammer. He picks it up and immediately begins swinging it wildly up and down.)

Samus - What is all the… -sees DK- He's got a hammer!

(Samus runs back upstairs as DK 'dances' out the front door. The Hammer music gradually fades.)

Samus - Bizarre.

Mario - Hello, everybody!

Samus - Even more bizarre.

Ness - Jigglypuff is standing up in the bathroom. If you catch my drift.

Samus - That has to be the most bizarre thing I've heard today.

Falcon - I found the golden spork of Antioch! -holds up a golden spork-

Samus - I stand corrected…

(Crashing is heard downstairs.)

Fox - What's that?

(Fox points to a hammer that is laying on the floor.)

Mario - A hammer. Wait…

(DK walks in and picks it up.)

Mario - Agh!

(Mario jumps out of the window while DK hammers his way through the wall.)

Jigglypuff - -walks in- Jiggy jiggypuff? Jiggly Jiggly Jiggypuff! (What's all the commotion? Can't I piss without being interrupted!)

Luigi - We've seriously got to find out what she's saying.

Master Hand - Meanwhile, in the city…

(Cars are crashing into each other as Donkey Kong chases after Mario with the hammer.)

Mario - This isn't-a right!

Master Hand - Back at the house…

Link - My head hurts…

(Link is lying on the couch with an icepack on his face. Everyone is surrounding it while Falcon sits in a nearby chair with a pencil, notebook, and a fedora on for some reason.)

Falcon - So, tell me about my childhood.

Link - Don't you mean mine?

Falcon - Sir, I'd appreciate it if you cooperated with me.

Link - But I don't know anything about you aside from the fact that you don't mix with caffeine.

Falcon - Screw this crap!

(Falcon takes out a nailgun and nails Jigglypuff to the wall with it.)

Falcon - I need to staple something.

(As Falcon walks off, all eyes turn to Jigglypuff.)

Link - Should we help her?

(Jigglypuff has a 'I'm dead' expression on her face.)

Samus - I think it's a bit late for that. Pork sausage!

Luigi - Agh!

(Luigi walks out into the living room with a capsule stapled to his foot.)

Fox - Uh…

(Luigi accidentally bumps his foot and the capsule explodes, sending him flying.)

Falcon - Where are you going? The toilet's still clogged!

(Falcon throws his fist into the air and flies off.)

Fox - I didn't realize that he could fly.

(A loud crash is heard.)

Ness - He can't. His wires only go so far.

Falcon - I done snapped!

Master Hand - Meanwhile, in China…

(Chinese children are playing when Mario shows up, DK at his heels.)

Chinese Child - It's Mario! Let's skip towards him and try to kill him!

Mario - Great!

Master Hand - In space…

(Pikachu is floating in space.)

Pikachu - Pika… Pika pikachu… (Well… This really sucks…)

Master Hand - In some random person's closet…

Random Person - Bubba? What are you doing in here? Why d'ya got so much toothpaste?

Master Hand - Back at the house…

Samus - -yawns- I'm tired. I'm going to cash in.

(Falcon's head rips through the floor at Samus' feet.)

Samus - Agh!

Falcon - I heard someone mention cash!

Ness - The toilet's still clogged!

Luigi - What do you want me to do?

Ness - Fix it!

Luigi - Why should I?

Ness - You drew 'I'll do everything' from the job jar!

Luigi - Freakin' job jar.

(Luigi grabs a plunger and grumbles as he climbs the stairs.)

Falcon - We need an elevator put in. Stairs hurt my feet.

Fox - That's 'cause you jump everywhere!

(Falcon jumps out of the floor and smashes his feet onto the table.)

Falcon - I do not!

Master Hand - Let's check up on Mario again…

Mario - Where do these hammers keep coming from?!

(Mario is now being pursued by DK, Chinese children, Goombas, Koopas, and Wario, all who have hammers.)

Master Hand - It's amazing how much amusement can come out of expertly-placed hammers.

Mario - Stand down, small Orientals!

Master Hand - Back at the house…

News Reporter - …and little Timmy never did get out of the well. And, in related news, Mario is trying to break the world record for being the first person to lap the planet while being chased by a mob of people… with oversized hammers. This is apparently a message from God, but no one can translate it.

Fox - Right…

Falcon - Left!

Fox - What?

Falcon - Where!

Fox - How…

Falcon - When!

Fox - Uh…

Falcon - Utah!

Fox - Samus, some help please.

(A ball bounces down the stairs and Samus uncurls herself.)

Samus - -begins shooting Falcon- Take this, space pirate scum!!

Fox - We're not in space.

Link - Yeah. That's Pikachu.

Master Hand - In space…

(Pikachu floats by an space shuttle.)

Astronaut - Houston, we have visual of Pikachu. Repeat, we see Pikachu.

Houston - Are you feeling all right?

Master Hand - Back at the house…

Ness - Do you hear go-carts?

(Everyone exits the house and watches as Mario drives by in a go-cart.)

Samus - Well, that's one lap.

Falcon - A race it is then!

(Falcon hops into a shopping cart, activates nitro, and takes of like a bullet.)

Samus - Uh…

(Suddenly, Goombas, Koopas, the Chinese Children, Wario, and Donkey Kong drive by with hammers attached to the front of the car, continuously pounding the ground.)

Link - So, what do you guys want to do?

Samus - Dunno.

Link - Fox?

Fox - Whatever the others are good with.

Ness - Pick me!

Link - Anyone else?

Ness - Me!

Link - Anyone who's not a midget.

Ness - Hey! You were short once too!

Link - Keyword there buddy: Once.

Ness - I cast a PK spell on you! You will be small in the next game.

Link - Who says there's going to be another game?

Mario - MEEEEEEE… -lands on face in front of group- …ah…

Samus - Let me guess. They caught you?

(Mario doesn't nod, but he gives the thumbs-up.)

Fox - Nothing we can do about it.

Master Hand - I know… Next time, Falcon attempts to kill off one of the cast members.


	4. Oh, Say Can Yoshi?

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Four

Yoshi's Story

Oh, Say Can Yoshi?

* * *

Master Hand - As long as I can remember, I hated the entire Yoshi race. That little pecker was never there when I truly needed him…

Crazy Hand - Yoshi wasn't in the Wario games.

Master Hand - Shut up, dammit! Anyways, I believe that it's time to have some fun with our little subject…

(Falcon opens the fridge and gasps.)

Falcon - I didn't know we had cheese.

(Falcon goes to eat the cheese, but Yoshi's tongue swoops up and snatches it. Yoshi eats it, then goes to fart. However, his eyes bulge and he runs upstairs and into the bathroom.)

Luigi - It's your turn.

Mario - -sigh- I know.

Falcon - My cheese! That is it! That little squeaky man has eaten his last piece of my food for the last time!

Samus - Did that make any sense?

Ness - Barely.

Falcon - -hops onto the computer- Let's see… -types- Yoshi…

Fox - It might help if you weren't on it.

(Falcon looks at the computer he's sitting on.)

Falcon - Oh. -types again- Yoshi… Let's see… Egads! There's more than one! There's… -looks at camera- Two! -dramatic music plays-

Samus - I'm pretty certain there's more than two. -dramatic music plays again-

Luigi - Actually, there's an entire race of Yoshis. -dramatic music plays once more-

Falcon - My… God… It's an invasion and no one's contacted the President! -runs through wall-

Fox - Now look what you did.

Luigi - My bad.

(Moments later, Falcon is on the Dr. Phil show.)

Dr. Phil - What happens to be your problem?

Falcon - Yoshis are invading the Planet Earth!!

(A brief silence follows.)

Dr. Phil - Right… I think that you should face your problem (whatever it might be…) head on and get rid of it.

Falcon - Of course! Landmines! Thanks, Mr. President! -runs off-

Dr. Phil - If you say so…

(About an hour later, Falcon places one final mine on the ground. The entire house is now surrounded by landmines.)

Samus - I'm getting the groceries. I'll be back in about… Landmines!

(Everyone looks out of a window and sees the landmines.)

Fox - Can some on say obsession?

Falcon - Use this! -tosses Samus unidentified object-

Samus - Uh… -is holding a case of pop-

(Yoshi's tongue comes out of nowhere and swallows the pop whole.)

Yoshi - -belches 'Yoshi'-

(The ground begins to shake as Falcon jumps into the air and through the roof of the house.)

Falcon - Observe.

(A herd of Yoshis run into the landmines and, every time one steps on a mine, they get blasted into the cosmos.)

Falcon - Mwahahaha! Now, by stepping on those mines, they've all contracted Hepatitis C!

(All eyes turn to Falcon.)

Ness - I think Hepatitis C is the least of their worries.

Falcon - Gasp! You mean they've got cancer, too?!

Ness - No.

Falcon - AIDS?

Ness - Never mind.

Falcon - A nasty cold?

Ness - Just drop it.

(Falcon drops an anvil on Ness' foot.)

Ness - My foot!!

(The Yoshis stop coming.)

Falcon - I think I got them all. -sees that the landmines have vanished- Yes! Did I ever tell you that I'm an excellent Riverdancer?

Samus - You've committed massive genocide of an entire prehistoric race and you're talking about Riverdancing?

Falcon - Why not?

(Falcon hops outside and begins Riverdancing. One the last step, he steps on the final mine. As he flies into space, everyone, including the Yoshi reinforcements, puts on sunglasses and watches as Falcon explodes for some reason. He reappears seconds later on and platform of white light. He drops down from the platform and brushes himself off.)

Falcon - Let's do it again!

(Yoshi waddles forward and kicks Falcon in the shin before swallowing him.)

Falcon - -muffled- You cannibal!

(Yoshi then spits Falcon into the cosmos.)

Samus - Well, all's well that ends well, right?

Master Hand - Not necessarily. For, next time, someone's most prized possession will disappear.


	5. The Prime Suspect

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Five

Samus' Story

The Prime Suspect

* * *

Master Hand - The Metroid is a parasitic alien race that Samus has practically eliminated, but they just keep coming back. Also, I never did the beginning of the Prime games… Oh well… Let's observe…

Samus - Finally. Time for some R and R.

(Samus enters her room and sees that something is missing from her bed.)

Samus - And by R and R, I mean Rage and Really Scary Missile-Looking Things.

(The group is watched TV until Samus punches a hole through it.)

Ness - What was that for?

Samus - Which one of you lowlifes took it?

Fox - Lowlifes?

Samus - Answer me!

Mario - What are you talking about?

(Samus grabs Mario's face and lifts him up.)

Samus - I'll ask the questions! -throws Mario down- Where's the baby Metroid?!

(Silence follows.)

Jigglypuff - Jiggy Jiggypuff? (What's a Metroid?)

(Samus fires a missile at Jigglypuff and she flies behind the couch.)

Samus - What did I say about the questions?

(Jigglypuff hops onto the couch and gets that puffy, pissed-off look.)

Samus - Bring it on, bitch!

(Jigglypuff and Samus begin circling each other until Jigglypuff pulls out a ray gun and shoots Samus. Powerups fall out of her body and fall through holes that suddenly appear in the floor.)

Samus - No! My skills of perception!

_Sight - Lost_

_Hearing - Lost_

_Smell - Lost_

_Taste - Lost_

_Touch - Lost_

(Samus slowly gets up and puts her hands in front of her. She wobbles into a wall and falls done.)

_A Hope In Hell - Lost_

Fox - That's saying a lot.

Ness - So, what do we do?

Master Hand - In space…

Falcon - 'And thou must stabeth this, the golden spork of Antioch, into a heart of thine oldest relative and thou must not be sad, for hopes that this, the oldest of men, will one day be revived as a younger, more mobile human.' At least, that's what I remembered.

Pikachu - Pika pikachu… (Save me, please…)

Master Hand - Back on Earth…

Samus - I can't see, smell, hear, touch, see, or touch.

Fox - What about taste?

Samus - I can taste the sweetness of your blood, which will be spilled as soon as I get my hands on you.

Fox - You can't touch, remember?

Samus - Right. I'll be back.

(Samus barely manages to get into a previously locked room.)

Announcer - Race to the finish! Go!

(Samus does a retarded war cry and begins running down the hall, shooting like crazy. She hits the ledge at the end and flips over it. She gets up and repeats this process for the rest of the floors.)

Announcer - Complete!

(Samus grabs a powerup and throws it into the air.)

_Powerup Get!_

(Samus walks back into the living room.)

Samus - Hi, everybody!

Fox - Hey! Samus! Where am I?

(Samus aims her buster at him and begins charging, moving her buster with Fox. Finally, she unleashes a super missile, which sends him flying.)

Ness - Point proven.

Samus - Now, which one of you stole the Baby Metroid?

Luigi - We didn't steal anything.

(After a long and pointless battle between Samus and the television, Samus grabs another power up.)

_Powerup Get!_

Samus - I can hear again!

Ness - How'd you hear Fox?

Samus - Good point. I can see again.

Ness - That was your first powerup.

Samus - Oh yeah. I can touch again!

Ness - You can't really…

Samus - Work with me here.

Luigi - This is so confusing…

Samus - Well, I've got all but my taste back. Which means… It's time for the final boss. The one who stole the Metroid.

(Donkey Kong walks in and flexes his muscles.)

Samus - It's on, donkey!

(After beating DK mercilessly, Samus does a victory dance.)

_Powerup Get!_

Samus - I can taste again.

Mario - Is this yours, Samus? It was clogging the toilet.

(Mario holds up a turd.)

Samus - No…

Mario - What about this?

(Mario holds up a green turd.)

Samus - Again…

(Mario shrugs.)

Mario - Oh yeah. The baby Metroid rolled off your bed. It's in the dirty clothes pile.

(Samus walks to her room and returns with a tube. A little Metroid is on the inside.)

Samus - Yay!

(Samus takes off helmet, reaches into the tube, and swallows the Metroid.)

Ness - I am very scared right now.

Master Hand - And you should be. In the next chapter, Luigi tries replacing Mario.


	6. Under New Management

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Six

Luigi's Story

Under New Management

* * *

Master Hand - For as long as there's been Mario, there's been someone who's been left behind in his dust. Luigi is one of the most recognizable of these poor souls. Let's see what happens when Mario takes a 'vacation'…

(Mario walks outside, yawns, stretches, and looks up.)

Mario - Who are you?

(Mario gets poke into the cosmos by Master Hand. As he flies off, Luigi exits the house and does the same thing.)

Luigi - Who are you?

Ness - I'm Ness, remember?

Luigi - So, you are. I feel good today. So good in fact…

(Luigi goes to Nintendo headquarters and walks into an office.)

Luigi - I want to replace Mario as the mascot for this company!

(The executive jaws drop as people begin looking at themselves.)

Executive - Unforgivable!! Bring me a blindfold, earmuffs, and noseplugs immediately!! I wish not to see, hear, or smell of this impudence any longer!! Bah!!

(Luigi is thrown out the window, but grabs a star on his way down. He crashes into the ground and simply crawls out of the Luigi-shaped hole. He brushes himself off and walks away.)

Luigi - Note to self. Burn all of Mario's stuff, memorabilia, and fans.

Fanboy - You suck, Luigi! Mario's better!

(Luigi grabs a Fire Flower and burns the fanboy to a crisp with it.)

Luigi - Any other takers? No? Good.

Master Hand - Back in space…

Falcon - …fried beans, cooked beans, baked beans, Mr. Bean, Has Bean, Mexican jumping bean, how you bean, and the classical garbanzo bean. Now, onto my favorite fruits!

Mario - Mamma mia…

Master Hand - Back on Earth…

Luigi - I'm going to overthrow my brother!

(Everyone freezes and Samus, who's holding a tray full of plates, drops it. All eyes turn to him.)

Fox - You want to overthrow your brother?

Luigi - Yes!

Samus - Mario?

Luigi - Yes.

Ness - You do realize that Mario is the video game God, right?

Luigi - -sigh- Yes…

(Everyone begins laughing.)

Ness - -laughing- That's priceless!!

Luigi - Screw you!

Samus - No! Screw you.

(Samus uses the Screw Attack and Luigi falls to the ground, electrified.)

Luigi - Mommy, please don't touch my gigglestick.

(Everyone gets a disgusted look on their face as Luigi looks up.)

Luigi - Gigglestick was my cat.

Master Hand - Later…

(Luigi walks out of Mario's room, which is burning.)

Luigi - The deed is done!!

Ness - What?! Who told you?! Who said that I took the car from the Dukes of Hazzard?!

Luigi - What?

Ness - Oh. Um… Nothing! -runs off-

Luigi - Yeah…

Samus - Was that Ness jumping into the General Lee?

(The Duke of Hazzard horn blares in the background.)

Luigi - I'd have to say yeah.

Samus - Oh…

(Samus beams Luigi in the head with a baseball bat.)

Samus - This was for you're own good.

(Luigi regains consciousness as the tornado in the Hyrule Temple is closing in on him.)

Fox - You can't overthrow Mario! It's not possible!!

Samus - _This_ is for your own good.

(Luigi gets caught in the tornado and is blasted into the screen before dying.)

Samus - And _that_ was for my own amusement.

Fox - Where'd that screen come from?

(The Dukes of Hazzard horn blares again as Ness jumps over the Hyrule Temple in the car and crashes into the screen.)

Master Hand - Next time, Kirby learns the potential of how to suck.


	7. Kicked To The Kirby

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Seven

Kirby's Story

Kicked To The Kirby

* * *

Master Hand - I'm an old friend of Kirby's and let me tell you, he knows how to suck big time! Literally! Let us watch…

(Kirby walks into the kitchen where Ness is sitting. Kirby goes to sneeze, but sucks Ness in. He spits Ness out and is now wearing his hat. Kirby gets a weird look in his eye and begins to rub his beard as he pondered of the potential of his ability.)

Ness - But Kirby doesn't have a beard.

(Kirby began to rub his chin as he pondered the potential of his ability. Plus, in the background, Ness could hear the distinct sound of the fourth wall being broken.)

Samus - I heard beard. What's going on?

(Kirby runs out of the house as Ness walks to Samus' side.)

Kirby - I've got a bad feeling about this.

(A whirlwind flies into the room and slows down to reveal Kirby, who now has on black clothes, is pale as a ghost, and is wearing a sequined glove on his left hand. He grabs his crotch.)

Kirby - -in squeaky voice- Shimone! -moonwalks out of house-

Ness - Oh dear…

Samus - This could be amusing.

Master Hand - In space…

Falcon - So, then, my great-great-great-great-great-grandmammy's uncle's third cousin's niece's nephew's dad's barber's Oldsmobile said, 'Well then, passed some those potatoes down here and I'll blast 'em!' -maniacal laughter-

Luigi - Mamma mia…

Mario - My sentiments exactly.

Master Hand - Back in the house…

(Everyone is gathered on the front couch as Kirby walks in on a red carpet with Donald Trump's toupee on. He reaches into his nonexistent pocket and throws hundreds everywhere before walking out.)

Fox - Bets on who'll be next, Ahnold or Sean Connery?

(People randomly place bets.)

Ness - Here he comes!

Fox - Betting's over!

(Kirby walks in with buff muscles. He stops and flexes them. Then, he begins speaking in a squeaky voice.)

Kirby - -in squeaky Sean Connery voice- I would appreciate it if you stayed out of my personal affairs.

Fox - Oh, that was good.

(Kirby leaves, but instantly pops back in wearing sequined clothes and he begins doing jumping jacks.)

Kirby - -in squeaky voice- Work those abs!

Ness - That one's kinda creepy.

(Kirby leaves, but returns instantaneously.)

Kirby - -in squeaky voice- I suck at acting, but people love me!

(Everyone throws there hands up in realization.)

Everyone - Tom Cruise!

(A.N. I cannot stand to look at Tom Cruise and his untalented ass. I really couldn't care if you like him. In my personal opinion he should've 1.) Stopped after the first Mission Impossible. 2.) Shoved this 'Scientology' crap up his ass. And 3.) Quit acting like he's the greatest thing God's made since A&W Root Beer.)

(Kirby leaves and comes back later completely normal.)

Ness - Is he done?

(Paris Hilton walks in.)

Paris Hilton - Is this the new movie auditions? I need to know who I've got to get my lawyer to pay.

(Kirby sucks in Paris Hilton, but instantly becomes green. He turns to the corner and spits out a large mass of green liquid. He then runs into the bathroom as Paris Hilton rises from the green liquid.)

Paris Hilton - Nothing new for me. -walks away- Where's my agent? I want money!

Samus - That was just nasty.

(From upstairs, Kirby screams. He runs downstairs and out the door, barely giving the group to look at the bumps on his face.)

Ness - Did Kirby just get herpes from her?

Samus - Wow. That's gotta suck.

Master Hand - Serves the little pecker right. Next time, Link encounters his worst fear head on.


	8. The Missing Link

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Eight

Link's Story

The Missing Link

* * *

Master Hand - True, Link is one of Nintendo's greatest characters. False, I give a crap. Let's torture _this_ little pecker by doing the one thing he cannot stand…

(Link walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge.)

Link - You know what I could really go for right now? My…

(Link notices that it's gone and turns around to see DK eat it in one bite.)

Link - Sandwich… -gets nervous twitch in his eye- Monkey! I challenge you to Mortal Kombat!

(The two finally find themselves in a Mortal Kombat arena. DK is using Monkey style (duh!) and Link is using Crazy Bastard. He is doing what most cheesy karate 'masters' do.)

Deep Voice - Fight!

(Link does a random battle cry and lunges at DK. DK begins smashing the ground with his fists and Link lands on a platform above him.)

Link - Well, I'll just drop down now.

(Link looks down and sees that DK is still doing the attack.)

Link - Well, how long can he possibly keep doing that for?

('Three hours later…' pops up.)

Kirby - -in squeaky voice- Five hours later…

(Link in snoring as DK continues the attack.)

Link - No, Zelda… You can't touch me there. Let me take my pants off first… -wakes up- Ohmygod!! It's Ganondorf!! -looks around- Bizarre dream. No more Lon Lon milk before bed. -looks down- Hmmm…

Deep Voice - I grow tired of this.

Link - As do I. Wait! I've got it!

(Link jumps down and lands on DK's head.)

Link - Listen, monkey. Let's settle this mano y… monkey…

Deep Voice - Finish him!

(Link goes to stab DK in the head, but they suddenly appear in Fox's level.)

Link - What the…

(Link notices a few Yoshis float by.)

Link - What the… times two.

Falcon - Look at me Ma! No hands!

(Falcon 'swims between Link and DK.)

Link - What the… to the max. Oh well… This ends here monkey!!

(Link and DK begin circling themselves before lunging forward. Falcon, however, grabs the camera and slams his face into it.)

Falcon - I have a short attention span!!

(Falcon flies to the side as both Link and DK watch him float away.)

Link - Finally. Now where were we. Ah, yes! -lunges at DK-

Master Hand - Back on Earth…

Samus - Okay, let's see… There's me, Ness, Fox, Jigglypuff, and Kirby. Is it just me is most of the group, like, missing?

Ness - -talking like Shaggy- I dunno, fellas! I think we'd better amscray though!

Fox - Never do that again. -phone rings- Hello? What? A monkey-man and elven fruitcake are fighting on the ship? I'm on it! -hangs up- I wonder who that was…

Master Hand - Candy from a baby… Anyways, back in space…

(DK smacks Link off the front of the ship, but Link uses his Hookshot to latch onto the tip of the ship. DK looks over the edge as Link looks up.)

Link - Missed me, loser!

(Charging is heard and Link looks down. The lasers, which are being charged, are aimed at his face.)

Link - I hate life.

Life - And I hate you.

(The lasers are fired and Link is sent crashing into an asteroid that's not to far away. DK does a victory dance, then looks down.)

DK - -thinking- How am I going to get down from here?

Master Hand - Back on Earth…

Fox - Blast off!

(Fox hits the ignition and the ship blows up, sending him flying into the cosmos.)

Samus - Fox? I heard something blow up.

(Samus looks out of the front door and sees the Arwing's debris.)

Samus - Oh well.

(Samus opens a bad labeled 'Link' and pulls out a sandwich.)

Samus - This is going to be one good sandwich.

Master Hand - Enjoy it while you can, for next time, Ness learns of an alien invasion.


	9. Bound For Earth

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Nine

Ness' Story

Bound For Earth

* * *

Master Hand - Oh, yeah! _That's_ original! Man, screw the intro! Just watch…

(Ness is snoring until the phone rings.)

Ness - Mr. Saturn! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You do realize I can't understand anything you're saying, right? Was that a yes or a no? Why am I still talking to you? -hangs up- Honestly.

(The phone rings again.)

Ness - Hello? Commissioner Gordon! No, I can't tell you where Batman is. I don't know where he is. Why do you want Robin? Never mind. -hangs up- Honestly!

(The phone rings yet again.)

Ness - Hello? No, I don't want any Chickida China, the Chinese Chicken. -hangs up- This is giving me a headache.

(The phone rings once more.)

Ness - Hello. Good… An alien invasion! I'm on it! -hangs up-

Samus - -walks in- I heard you mention alien invasion.

Ness - They're heading for Earth.

Samus - -spits milk onto her visor- What?! Are they small, green, and annoying as hell?

Ness - I don't know. I hung up before I got the details.

Samus - Are you some kind of retard?

Ness - I'd rather not answer that.

Samus - Retard-say-what?

Ness - What?

Samus - Works for me.

Master Hand - A little while later…

Ness - Away! -flies off on a little space ship- Okay, I'm approaching the aliens. Wow, there sure are a lot! I hope I can…

(Ness turns when something dings behind him. At that moment, a Yoshi hits the windshield.)

Ness - Weird.

Samus - Hey, I came too. Me being an intergalactic bounty hunter and whatnot.

Ness - Whatever.

(Falcon smashes into the windshield and is foaming at the mouth.)

Falcon - I'm rabid! Blarh! -begins rapidly squirming-

Ness - Should I?

Samus - But I wanted too. Oh, fine…

(Ness turns on the windshield wipers and every time Falcon is hit, he goes 'Ouch.')

Samus - It's not working. Spray him.

(Ness sprays the cleaner on the window and Falcon begins rapidly scrubbing his body, soon becoming one large, soapy mass.)

Falcon - I'm a bubble man!

(Bubbleman from Megaman 2 flies past him.)

Bubbleman - Like hell you are!!

Ness - Weird. Anyways, last resort.

(Ness pushes a button and the windshield is blasted off into the distance.)

Falcon - This can't end well!

Samus - Well, now that he's gone. Let's find the… Ohmygod!!

(Both Ness and Samus share the same flabbergasted look when they see hundreds of Yoshis floating through space.)

Ness - Now, when you said small, green, and annoying as hell…

Samus - Not what I was talking about.

Ness - Figured. Hey, look!

(Mario, Luigi, Link, Pikachu, DK, and Fox float slowly past the ship holding a ship that says 'Get Us Down!'. Falcon flies by going the other way holding a sign that says 'Gopher Paste!'.)

Samus - Well, Ness. The million dollar question. Who do you rescue?

Ness - The ones that aren't crazy.

Samus - Excellent choice.

(Mario, Luigi, Link, Pikachu, DK, and Fox are allowed onboard, but Samus throws a board over Falcon. It slowly drifts below him.)

Falcon - Man over board!

Samus - You're a laugh riot. -closes door-

Master Hand - Half an hour later…

(The group is partying in the back of the house.)

Fox - It's great to be home!

Mario - That's right!

Luigi - I agree!

Jigglypuff - Jigglypuff! (Shut up, faggots!)

Pikachu - Pika pika, Pika pikachu! (Screw off, you scrawny bitch!)

Yoshi - Yoshi! (To be truly honest, I don't know what Yoshi just said.)

Samus - Here's to never having to see Falcon again!

Everyone - Here…

Falcon - Here?!

(Everyone looks up and sees Falcon using the windshield as a surfboard. It burns into nothing and Falcon stops in front of Samus' face with a creepy smile on. He continues to defy physics by floating in air.)

Falcon - Hi.

Everyone - Aw…

Samus - You disgust me.

Falcon - I try.

(Samus raises her buster ad begins to charge as Falcon frowns. He turns to the camera and waves before being blasted into the distance.)

Samus - And then some!

Master Hand - Lovely. Everyone's back. _Exactly_ what I wanted. Not! Anyways, next time, Pikachu discovers the true meaning behind 'Gotta Catch 'Em All'…


	10. Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Ten

Pikachu's Story

Gotta Catch Em' All!

* * *

Master Hand - Well, Pikachu is the most popular character in a multi-billion dollar franchise. It's got an anime, a series of video games, and a bunch of people who want it to go up in flames. I, however, tend to look at the… other side of things…

(Pikachu is sleeping when a foot rips through the couch. He jumps down and sparks at the cheeks.)

Falcon - Don't be sleepy! Be cheeky!

(Pikachu hits Falcon with a Thundershock.)

Falcon - My hair is standing on all ends. -looks in pants- All of it! -skips away-

Pikachu - Pika pi… (Weirdo…)

(The phone rings.)

Ness - Hello? Okay, I'll tell him. What? Yes, my refrigerator is… Oh… Aha. Aha. Freakin' idiot! -hangs up-

(Ness walks into the living room.)

Ness - Some guy who called himself Ash is expecting you at some Green Acres Retirement Home… Or something like that…

Samus - You do realize he left after 'Ash', right?

(Both look at the couch that has a hole in it.)

Ness - Hey, he is gone.

(Another foot rips through the couch.)

Samus - And you are doing what now?

Falcon - I'm using my charged Star Rod attack!

Ness - I'm pretty certain that you need a Star Rod for that.

Falcon - It's possible! -puts foot through the couch again-

Samus - Whatever.

Master Hand - At the retirement home…

(Pikachu runs in and begins looking around. Suddenly, everyone looks at him.)

Old Man - The door's open! Run for it!

(Pikachu then begins freaking out and shaking his hands as old people in electric wheelchairs roll over him very slowly. Once everyone is outside, he lifts his head.)

Random Singing Group - Gotta catch 'em all! Old people!

(Pikachu gets that 'eyes half open' look before running towards them.)

Old Man - Freedom!

(Pikachu throws a bowl of applesauce and it hits him in the head. A red light shoots out and the man is trapped inside the bowl.)

Pikachu - Pikapika? (That actually worked?)

Master Hand - Back at the house…

(Fox and Mario are walking down the hall and pass Falcon, who's staring intently at a mirror. They pause to read what is written on the mirror.)

Fox - 'I, Captain Falcon, am attempting to regain my soul. Don't follow me.'

(Both look at Falcon, who isn't even breathing.)

Mario - Good luck with that. -walks off-

Master Hand - Back at the retirement house…

Old Woman - Oh. Hello, Bob.

Old Man - Hello. Rah!

(The old man hits the woman with his cane, knocking her out of her chair. Pikachu throws another bowl of applesauce and catches the old woman. A random fanfare plays.)

Pikachu - Pikachu! (I'm on a roll!)

Master Hand - Back in the house…

Falcon - If you put the machine parts in the meatloaf, you'll get Metaloaf!

Samus - And this random statement was brought to you today by the let 'L' for 'Leave us alone!'

(A bowl of applesauce passes by the window before Pikachu walks in.)

Samus - Well, where have you been?

Pikachu - Pika pikachu. (Catching old people.)

(The bag he is carrying rips and bowls of applesauce fall out. Falcon promptly grabs one.)

Falcon - Applesauce!

Pikachu - Pikachu… (I wouldn't…)

(Falcon begins eating the applesauce, but stops.)

Falcon - This applesauce tastes like my grandma!

Samus - Oh, would you just…

Falcon - I'm serious. This applesauce tastes like my grandma.

(Pikachu looks around nervously before running off.)

Ness - Weird.

Master Hand - Very. Next time, I think it's time Captain Falcon returned to school.


	11. Back To School

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Eleven

Captain Falcon's Story

Back To School

* * *

Master Hand - F-Zero is considered one of the best racing games there is. Captain Falcon is considered one of the craziest members in the house. Let's see what happens when he goes back to school…

(Falcon is sleeping on the patched-up couch when his fist breaks through the floor holding a clock. He wakes up and looks at it.)

Falcon - Time to rise and bug the crap out of people!

(His hand goes back into the floor and reappears at his side within seconds.)

Falcon - What be this?

(Falcon's eyes are sucked to a piece of paper where they move around the note.)

Falcon - 'Gone to school. Don't follow us.'

(Falcon's eyes are sucked back into his head.)

Falcon - To school!

(Falcon runs through the wall and the rest of the group comes around the corner.)

Luigi - I guess I owe you five bucks.

Samus - So it would appear.

Master Hand - At school…

(Falcon runs through the door and poses.)

Falcon - I, Captain Falcon, wish to join this class!

Teacher - This is physics.

(Falcon jumps and hovers in the air.)

Falcon - I know all about those!

(Moments later, Falcon is booted out of the room.)

Falcon - To the next one!

(Falcon jumps through the door and poses.)

Falcon - I, Captain Falcon, wish to join this class!

Teacher - This is math!

(Falcon grabs chalk and draws a square root.)

Falcon - I know all about that!

(Moments later, Falcon is booted out of the room.)

Falcon - To the next one!

(Falcon runs through the door and poses.)

Falcon - I, Captain Falcon, wish to join this class!

Teacher - This is speech.

(Falcon begins talking so fast, steam rise from his lips.)

Falcon - I know all about that!

(Moments later, Falcon is booted out of the room. A hand then gives him a piece of paper.)

Falcon - To the… Wait.

(Falcon looks at the paper and sees the giant 'F' on the paper.)

Falcon - He forgot something!

(Falcon writes '-Zero' after the F, smiles a giant toothy grin, and runs down the hall.)

Master Hand - At the house…

Ness - I'm worried.

Samus - About Falcon?

Ness - About the students.

Fox - Ah. Hey, shouldn't you be at school?

Ness - No.

Mario - How come?

(Ness looks around nervously before jumping out the window and driving off on the General Lee.)

Luigi - That kid worries me.

Master Hand - At school…

Principal - This is a lockdown! I repeat, this is a lockdown!

(All of the teachers close and lock theirs doors as Falcon comes up to one and begins banging on it.)

Falcon - I want to join your class!

(After that doesn't work, he goes to the next one. Soon, the police arrive.)

Policeman - What do you want?

Falcon - A chance for a degree in higher learning!

(The police aim their guns at him and Falcon hisses like a cat before jumping out of the window.)

Policeman - I don't get paid enough.

Master Hand - At the house…

Falcon - - I'm back!

Mario - Really? Bummer.

Falcon - Look how I did!

(Falcon dumps a bunch of papers with 'F-Zero' written on them onto the table.)

Samus - For some reason, I'm not surprised.

Falcon - I know.

Master Hand - Next time, Jigglypuff goes after her arch-nemesis.


	12. Pop Sensation

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Twelve

Jigglypuff's Story

Pop Sensation

* * *

Master Hand - Jigglypuff has put many people to sleep with her singing. Ashlee Simpson has done the same. Except the singing part. She apparently likes to lip-synch. Anyhow, let's see what happens when Jigglypuff learns of this…

(A barrel sits in the middle of the cellar. Mario walks into the basement and goes to open it. Falcon's head busts out of the side.)

Falcon - -slurred- Haha! I beat you to it! No booze for you, Mario…

(Falcon passes out and his head falls limp. Mario looks into the barrel and dips his cup in. He takes a sip and replaces the lid.)

Mario - I hope he didn't pee in that.

(In the living room, Samus and Ness are chatting about Nothing as Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Fox are watching TV.)

Samus - …and the ending! Agh! The title describes what you miss if you don't watch it. Nothing!

Ness - Although, it would be cool to hate things away.

(Samus and Ness turn to Yoshi, who's sleeping in the corner. Nothing happens.)

Ness - Drat!

TV Announcer - And, in other news, Ashlee Simpson comments on her lip-synching on Saturday Night Live.

(Jigglypuff grows wide-eyed, then becomes all puffy.)

TV Interviewer - Why did you lip-synch?

Ashlee Simpson - Oh, I'm a stupid shit like that! I thought I could go on national TV and get away with lip-synching.

TV Interviewer - Do you always lip-synch?

Ashlee Simpson - Of course not!

(Ashlee's lips keep moving after she's done talking. Jigglypuff jumps off of the couch, goes into the kitchen, comes out with a large knife, and storms through the door.)

Mario - -walks in- What did I miss?

Master Hand - In the city…

(Jigglypuff knocks someone down and points the knife to their face.)

Jigglypuff - Jiggypuff puff! (Where's the bitch?!)

Random Person - -panicking- I dunno what you're saying! Please don't kill me!

(Jigglypuff kills the man and hops off of his body.)

Jigglypuff - Jiggy jiggy jiggypuff puff. (Damn that Nintendo for not giving me speech capabilities!)

Master Hand - Back at the house…

TV Announcer - And, in other news, a small, pinkish balloon is going on a mass murdering spree. And, yes! -looks down- I am apparently its' next victim. The puffball, which appears to be female, is either humping my leg or attempting to stab me to death. -falls down- Yes, sir! It stabbed my knees in and is now walking down my chest with a deranged look and a large knife.

Jigglypuff - Jiggypuff puff! (Where's Ashlee?!)

TV Announcer - It's trying to communicate! I just know it! And it's raising the knife and… Yes, sir! It is stabbing me in the face. Chances are, I won't be into work for some time. Back to you, Clyde!

Clyde - Fascinating stuff, that is.

(A long silence follows in the living room.)

Fox - Is it just me or do we need smarter news reporters?

Master Hand - At the TV station…

(Jigglypuff hopped off of the body and began storming through the TV station. She finally came to a set of TV screens where she was on most of them. Through admiring herself, she noticed one named 'Studio 51' where Ashlee was moving her lips, but no words came out. Jigglypuff sucked in her gut, admired herself one last time, then marched off.)

Master Hand - At the main desk…

(The group walks up to a bleeding clerk.)

Bleeding Clerk - May I help you?

Ness - We're looking for our crazy friend.

Bleeding Clerk - Define crazy.

Luigi - She's going to kill Ashlee Simpson.

Bleeding Clerk - That's great news!

Mario - She's going to kill everyone who gets in her way.

Bleeding Clerk - Not so great.

(Samus looks at a nearby body and uses her Scan Visor. The reading comes back as 'Deceased organic lifeform. Cause of death was multiple knife wounds, probably inflicted by a pissed-off puffball.')

Samus - It's her.

Bleeding Clerk - If you want to surprise your friend with a cake, she'll probably head to Studio 51.

Ness - Is that like Area 51?

(Silence follows.)

Mario - Miss?

Bleeding Clerk - Uh…

Luigi - Huh?

Bleeding Clerk - What?

Fox - Who?

Bleeding Clerk - Potato sandwich! -passes out from blood loss-

Ness - Bummer.

Master Hand - In Studio 51…

(Jigglypuff kicks down the door and points at Ashlee.)

Jigglypuff - Jigglypuff! (You are a disgrace to singers world-wide, what with your lip-synch and obvious lack of vocal talent! I am here to smiteth thee! Prepare to fight, bitch!)

Ashlee Simpson - I'm sorry. I'm, like, stupid as shit, man. Could you say that again?

(Jigglypuff gets all puffy and uses the blood from the knife to spell out 'Sing-off!'.)

Ashlee Simpson - Oh. Bring it on! For I am…

(Ashlee begins growing and getting greener. The group breaks down part of the wall.)

Mario - We're here to save you!

(The group looks up and sees Ashlee grow into a Godzilla-like creature.)

Luigi - You're saved. Run away!!

(The group turns around and runs off as Jigglypuff walks up. It looks down at Ashlee's foot, then kicks.)

Judge #1 - And thus begins this sing-off!

Judge #2 - Let's hope for some great singing talent.

Judge #3 - I'm only going to expect half of the that.

(Ashlee proceeds to roar a few times.)

Judge #1 - -holds up 0 card- My ears are bleeding.

Judge #2 - -holds up 0 card- My face is melting.

Judge #3 - -holds up 0 card- My nose has fallen off.

(Jigglypuff proceeds to sing and puts everyone to sleep.)

Falcon - Yay! Bravo! Whoo! Encore! -holds up 1 card- You're number one!

(Jigglypuff blushes, bows, then jumps up and stabs Ashlee Simpson in the face.)

Jigglypuff - Jigglypuff! (The deed is done!)

Master Hand - Bizarre. Next time, Fox loses his job, but gets another one.


	13. Do You Have An Appointment?

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

Fox's Story

'Do You Have An Appointment?'

* * *

Master Hand - Star Fox is a 3-D rail shooter and one of Nintendo's best creations. The problem is that I don't care. So, let's get him fired!

Samus - Mail's here! Let's see. Mario, Mario, Mario. More Mario. Oh, one for Luigi. Hey, Fox. You've got a letter.

(Fox opens the letter.)

Fox - What's this?

(Fox holds up a large cardboard G as Falcon looks around the corner and giggles.)

Fox - What now?

Falcon - G! For… green! Like gopher! Grandpa! Giggle! Bruce Willis!

Fox - Bruce Willis isn't green.

Falcon - No, but he's got a lot of it!

Fox - True. That's like the first time you've… I've been fired!!

(The group huddles and looks over Fox's shoulder.)

Letter - 'Dear Fox, we have voted that no one likes you anymore, You're fired. Have a nice life. Sincerely, No One Who Gives A Crap'

(Fox drops the letter and just gapes.)

Fox - What? No one likes me anymore?

(Fox kicks down the front door.)

Fox - Who doesn't love me?!

(Fox opens his eyes and gulps as he sees a large mob of people holding 'All Fox Lovers Are Crazy' signs.)

Samus - Is it just me or does that spell Aflac?

Fox - Close the door.

(Pikachu closes the door as Falcon points a Bob-omb at Fox's face.)

Falcon - I've got a Bob-omb and I will use it!

Fox - Use it. I've got nothing left.

Mario - Speak for yourself!

(Falcon reaches back and throws the Bob-omb out of the window. The 'AFLAC' mob disappears in a fiery explosion.)

Fox - You idiot! Now they hate me more!

Falcon - No need to thank me.

Fox - Thank you?!

(Fox pulls out his gun, shoots Falcon, and spins the gun around as he replaces it.)

Luigi - Have you thought about doing a western?

Mario - I hear they can pay a lot of money.

(Fox pulls out his gun, shoots the Mario Bros., and spins his gun as he holsters it.)

Samus - They have a point.

(Fox goes to grab his gun, but Samus points her buster at him. Falcon holds up a baseball bat and Ness pulls out a yo-yo.)

Fox - A buster I can understand. A bat I can somewhat understand. But a yo-yo? That's just insulting.

Ness - Meh. I'm a kid. What do you expect?

Fox - A lot more than what you've got. And how are you alive?

Falcon - It's simple physics.

(Mario shoots a fireball and Falcon is knocked backwards. When he lands, the fire goes out and he jumps to his feet.)

Fox - Bizarre. Still, a western movie, huh…

Master Hand - At the Kongo Jungle…

Fox - This is the Old West?

Ness - Technically, we _are_ in the west and this _has_ been here a while.

Fox - Shut up.

Mario - Well, this was the closest to the Old West that we had.

Fox - It works. I guess.

(The room suddenly becomes a wire-frame platform with floating targets.)

Fox - What the?! What do we do now?

Voice - Hit The Targets!

Samus - That.

Fox - -shrugs- Might as well.

(Fox easily shoots all of the targets within seconds.)

Voice - Cheater! Prepare to face my wrath!

(Polygon copies of the group drop down from the sky and begin walking towards them.)

Fox - Child's play!

(Fox sends a polygon copy flying with a single shot. He proceeds to do this for everyone.)

Fox - Oh, I'm good. And I went there. I came. I saw. I blew the crap out of those guys.

(Metal Mario drops from the sky and stands up.)

Mario - Is this supposed to create some kind of paradox?

(Metal Mario looks at them, then begins walking towards them.)

Falcon - Begone, foul creature!

(Falcon hits Metal Mario with a Bob-omb and both of them fly off. While Falcon explodes, Metal Mario quickly drops to his doom.)

Fox - That guy falls like a brick.

(Kirby gets a huffy look.)

Fox - No offense.

(Falcon respawns and looks around.)

Falcon - What's going on?

Ness - Something doesn't feel right.

Samus - Allow me.

(Samus scans Captain Falcon. It reads 'Organic lifeform appears to be suffering from low-class amnesia, brought on by the aftereffects of a caffeine rush.')

Samus - Aftereffects?

(A brief silence follows before everyone begins cheering.)

Master Hand - Mwahahaha! Cheer while you can for next time, _I_ will rise to power!

Ness - Come again?

Master Hand - -clears throat- Ahem. Do you have an appointment?

Mario - Appointment?

Luigi - With who?

(Master Hand laughs and appears as Final Destination takes its' true shape.)

Master Hand - With me!!

Ness - Are you Death?

Master Hand - No.

Fox - Are you my dentist?

Master Hand - No.

Pikachu - Pika pika? (Dr. Suess?)

Master Hand - No! Shut up, all of you! Especially you, you little yellow rat!!

(Pikachu gets a twitch in his eye.)

Master Hand - Twitch while you can for next time, _I_ will rise to power!!


	14. Give Me A Master Hand!

Super Sped Bros.

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

Give Me A Master Hand!

* * *

Master Hand - Excellent! The last chapter!

Ness - The what now?

Master Hand - Now, I will use you all like little stress balls! Like so!

(Master Hand grabs Jigglypuff and begins squeezing her. Jigglypuff gets huffy and expands.)

Master Hand - Fine! Be that way!

(Master Hand throws Jigglypuff into the cosmos.)

Master Hand - I can still _point_ the way!

(Master Hand pokes Pikachu into the cosmos.)

Samus - Attack!

(Everyone grabs a hammer and begins dancing towards him. Master Hand flies off and smacks the ground, sending Ness into the cosmos.)

Link - We're losing!

Samus - No, we're not!

(Master Hand flies off and comes towards them with his pink and index finger pointing forward.)

Master Hand - Rock on!

(Fox and Luigi are blasted into the cosmos.)

Samus - Yes, we are!

Master Hand - Dodge this!!

(Master Hand shoots a barrage of bullets from his first two fingers and everyone is blasted into the cosmos.)

Master Hand - I win!! Ahahahaha!!

Crazy Hand - In the cosmos…

(Everyone is floating around.)

Ness - So… Any bright ideas?

Fox - None.

Mario - Nada.

Pikachu - Pika pika… (Nothing really…)

(A can of soda floats by.)

Samus - What's this?

(Samus scans it. It reads 'Gay Hoe Soft Drink. Quintuple-Caffeinated.' Samus slowly turns to Falcon, who shrugs.)

Falcon - Don't look at me.

Samus - I'm looking at you.

Falcon - Why?

(Samus grabs the pop and throws it at Falcon. A few minutes later, Falcon grabs it.)

Fox - Is that…

(Falcon shrugs and pops it open.)

Mario - Samus…

(Falcon downs the whole can and his pupils dilate.)

Pikachu - Pika pika?! (What have you done?!)

Crazy Hand - Back at Final Destination…

Master Hand - You know, we've got to stop talking to ourselves.

Crazy Hand - I know…

(Master Hand picks up a card.)

Master Hand - Got a five?

Crazy Hand - I hope you choke on it.

(As Crazy Hand gives the five over, an explosion is seen in the air.)

Crazy Hand - That's my cue! -flies off-

Master Hand - Who dares to interfere with my game of Go Fish?!

(Master Hand looks into the sky and sees a large mass of people.)

Master Hand - What the hell?

(Eleven people are holding on the Falcon, who is smiling an abnormally large smile and is flying towards the ground, flaming and with his fist extended.)

Falcon - I shall smiteth thee!

(An explosion occurs when Falcon hits the ground. He jumps to his feet when the dust settles and holds a golden spork into the air.)

Falcon - Behold! The golden spork of Antioch!

Master Hand - Do you expect to defeat me using a spork and a fruitcake in the middle of a caffeine rush?

Falcon - No! We expect to defeat you using spork and a fruit… Oh, wait! Yeah, that's right. And there's nothing you can do about it!

Master Hand - You do realize that you insulted yourself, right?

Samus - Don't encourage him.

Falcon - Die, foul creature!

Master Hand - Give it up! You can't…

(Falcon pokes Master Hand with the spork and Master Hand flies into the distance, exploding and screaming.)

Master Hand - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSHOLES!!

(Falcon waves, then, when Master Hand is gone, thrusts the spork into the air.)

Falcon - Do not doubt the judgment of the golden spork!

(Luigi goes to kneel, but Samus pulls him up.)

Samus - Don't encourage him.

Falcon - I shall now use the spork's power to send us all home!

Samus - Encourage him.

(Falcon pokes Fox, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Ness, DK, Kirby, Mario, Luigi, and Samus and they all fly into the cosmos. Link and Yoshi exchange looks and turn to Falcon.)

Falcon- I don't like old meat. And I don't like meat from this 'High Cruel' place…

Link - Uh… It's actually…

(Link gets poked into the cosmos, shortly followed by Yoshi.)

Falcon - My turn!

(Falcon stabs himself in the face and flies into the cosmos. Seconds pass and Falcon reappears on a platform.)

Falcon - I'm a genius!

Samus - Not really.

(Falcon turns and sees everyone sitting on the Final Destination platform.)

Ness - So, what do we do?

(DK goes up to Link and begins picking bugs from his hair.)

Link - This isn't what I had in mind.

Luigi - Maybe we should call for help.

Samus - I was thinking of actually waiting for help.

Fox - Same concept.

Pikachu - Pikapika… (Not really…)

Jigglypuff - Jiggypuff puff… (My nuts itch…)

(Everyone slowly turns to Jigglypuff as she puffs up and turns around.)

Mario - Let's just hope help comes soon.

Crazy Hand - Thus ends the first chronicle of the Super Sped Bros. What will happen to them? Will help come? Could this fic become anymore special? You bet! Just you wait until _Super Sped Bros. Mayday_ comes out…


End file.
